The 'green movement' (if the odd agglomeration of leftie twits and self-righteous know-alls merits the term 'movement') has developed a love for exploiting middle-class angst and guilt. You see, dear reader, our wicked consumerist ways are to blame for all the planet's woes and the western middle-class mum is at the pinnacle of this pyramid of badness, the queen of carbon emissions.
Of course, as large terrestrial mammals in North America discovered 30,000 years ago, man is a pretty rapacious predator and his passion for consumption led to their extinction before he'd cottoned on to the advantages of taming and breeding those meat animals.
However, those early North American pioneers weren't as bad as today's western middle-class mum. Oh no. For today we have fridges, huge great fridges:
Middle-class families should stop buying large fridges in order to save energy and tackle climate change, a government-commissioned report has suggested.
Families could save up to £36 a year on their electricity bills by replacing large fridge-freezers or televisions with smaller appliances, according to a study published by the Department for Energy and Climate Change.
The report found that the average family fridge had grown in volume by two fifths since 1985, amid a fashion for large American-style appliances, while the average television had grown by more than seven inches since 2004. It warned that the trend undermined attempts to cut carbon emissions.
Feeling guilty as you opened your double door fridge this morning? Well you should be because you're damaging the planet with such a huge monstrosity in your kitchen. Polar bears are sliding into the ocean right now because you want more space to store your organic, shade grown vegetables, fairtrade chardonnay and locally-sourced free range guinea fowl.
Such selfishness is highlighted by the author of the report in question:
Nicola Terry, a co-author of the study, said: “Why do we need a bigger TV, and why do we need a bigger fridge? I don’t understand the case, but when people go to the shop they think, that’s bigger it must be better.”
See middle-class people everywhere - your abject obsession with keeping up is destroying the planet!
The truth is, of course, that I want a bigger TV because I want a bigger picture. And I want a bigger fridge - a plumbed-in fridge - so I can store more stuff safely. But when patronising researchers arrive trying to guilt-trip us into getting a tiny little fridge and a hanky-sized TV, the screws of social pressure are turned. I can already hear the voice of some righteous hipster; "oh, Jocasta and I live out out green principles and haven't bought one of those American fridges - so I'm afraid the fairtrade sav blanc is a bit warm."
Trust me here folks. The size of your fridge won't make a jot of difference to the planet's temperature. So buy the one that suits your needs. Better still, be a consumer and buy the one you want. The massive walk in one with chilled water on tap and enough space to store all the food and drink for the planet-destroying barbecue you're holding on Sunday.
Go for it! Stick it to those green fussbuckets!