The Queen's Speech - a translation

***

In recent weeks I have been at meeting discussing housing policy, working with young people, employment programmes, the future of charities and the "third sector", planning controls and culture. No-one is interested in what the current Labour Government plans to do - and I mean no-one - because they all know it'll be gone in a few months.

I was going to give a little bill-by-bill assessment - but you know, I can't be bothered. I gather the speech was something like this:

"Bankers are bad and my Government will kick them around a bit without really changing anything so as to get some headlines. But my Government thinks government is good and will pass a law to say so.

My Government will spend a lot of money they haven't got on buying the votes of - sorry providing free care for - some older people and their families. My Government also likes children and will provide suitcases and sleepovers for those in care - plus a set of yet to be specified guarantees.

My Government believe criminals are nearly as bad as bankers so will kick them around a bit too - but not quite as much. My Government also thinks people who watch films on their computers are bad too - at least that's what friends of the Secretary of State for Business tell us from their Greek-based yachts. These people will have their Internet taken away until they promise to behave.

My Government will pass a law supporting a technology that doesn't work so as keep MPs from former mining communities happy. And my Government will act to make everyone except straight white men with posh accents more equal

My Government will also publish Bills to reform the House of Lords, discourage bribery, abolish child poverty by 2010 and commit to spending more and more cash on international aid but has no intention of passing these into law having secured political advantage."

The good news is that most of this rubbish won't happen. The bad news is that we're to spend the next six months wasting time, money and newsprint on discussing this excuse for a legislative programme.

As I said before - can we have a bloody election, NOW!

***